Sex With a Newborn Or How Harper Makes It Harder

Disclaimer: This post is going to be about sex. And I'm not going to gloss over things by using terms like "private time". I'm going to be blunt about our attempts to have sexual intercourse. If you are blushing already, you should leave. There will be a more family friendly post soon. It'll be about cookies or something.

As McCall advanced in her prenancy, sex became more and more...adventurous, let's say. Not because we were suddenly trying to incorporate a sex swing or anything (Look, I told you I was going to be blunt. This is your last warning!), but because certain positions just became unreasonable. For instance, Missionary position failed for the same reason that some missionaries do: I just couldn't reach her. And the rest included having to work around McCall's big belly.
Unfortunately, pregnant women are not known for their swan-like grace. In fact, quite the opposite, in all facets of McCall's life she became more and more bumbling. It was almost like a role playing game where you've totally ignored one attribute of your character and then suddenly find yourself needing it above all others. "Not enough Charisma??? Curse you Strength, Speed, and Agility!" So when McCall was on top, balance became a premium. Shift too far to one side and inertia would take over. Timberrrrrr! It was kind of like a sumo wrestler trying to squat on a balance beam. Wait, McCall's going to read this. It was kind of like the most beautiful sumo wrestler in the world trying to squat on a balance beam. Yeah, that's better.
Now that we have a baby, we still don't utilize Missionary position that much, primarily for the same reason that some other missionaries fail: It's just plain boring. But right now I'll take anything I can get because trying to have sex with a newborn in the house is very tricky. It's never as easy as, "You horny?" "Yeah, are you?" "Yeah, let's get it on!" Now it's more like, "You horny?" "Yeah, are you?" "Yeah, let's get it on." "Okay, but first I have to pump because my breasts are sore." "Oh. Well while you're doing that, I'll guess I'll change Harper's diaper." Several minutes later, "Ready?" "Yeah." "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!" "I'll get her."
In fact, I actually find myself watching Harper breastfeed and getting jealous. Not because I'm hungry, but because my wife's boobs are bigger than they've ever been before and who reaps the benefits? Not me! The other day my husbandly desires overtook me and I had to give them a squeeze. Without being too graphic, what followed gave new meaning to the phrase, "I got an eyeful." Sex has also become much more utilitarian than before. We used to have a slow build up to a crecendo of passion. Now every opportunity is like a lunchtime quickie. "Foreplay? We just watched America's Got Talent, didn't we?"
New parent sex is kind of like a prison break. You have to plan it well in advance, but you also have to be ready to go on a moment's notice should the opportunity arise. And more than anything else, you have to be willing to call it off at any point to avoid sounding an alarm. In fact about two weeks ago we almost had sex and had to stop because Harper got fussy. How close did we get? Imagine a virgin. Now imagine the last second before they stop being a virgin. That's where we were. And it wasn't like we just took a quick time out to tend to Harper. It was a full stop. It could be said, the game was called on account of rain. However, I remain hopeful that we can schedule a double header to make up for it later in the Summer.